Write a letter to this friend with details of your study plans and explain why you want to get a part-time job

Source: IELTS69

You are going to another country to study. You would like to do a part-time job while you are studying, so you want to ask a friend who lives there for some help. Write a letter to this friend.
In your letter
-Give details of your study plans
-Explain why you want to get a part-time job
-Suggest how your friend could help you find a job

Dear Taehyung,

How are you doing? It has been a long time since we’ve talked. I have plans to study in Australia, and since you already settled there in advance, I would appreciate your help during my stay

(good).

I enrolled in a 4-year degree in Cyber Security at a prestigious university in your country. Taking this course has always been my goal as it includes my favorite topics on penetration testing and incident response

(Good, would be better if you could be more specific about location – city etc).

I will be looking for some part-time employment because (starting with the main purpose) I applied for a scholarship in advance which turned out to be successful; however, the discount offered amounted to 50% only. With this, I will require your help in finding a part-time job so that I can get additional funds to pay for the rest and for my living expenses as well.

We have always agreed on how fun making coffee is and I remember you spent your early days in Australia working as a barista. Can you refer me to the previous company you worked for? This will truly be appreciated and also, you can teach me a thing or two about how to make coffee. It will be a fun activity we can do together!

Alright, I have to go. Please contact me as soon as you read this. See you soon!

Yours truly,

Carlo

Expert Conclusion

Task response: 7-8

✓ 150 -190 words. You wrote 212
✓ the purpose of the letter is clear good
✓ all three bullet points are responded to well
Some minor lack of detail about location otherwise good
✓ an appropriate tone is used throughout
Casual and friendly

Cohesion and Coherence: 7-8

✓ good overall structure
✘✓ paragraphs start with a phrase that indicates the bullet point/question the paragraph responds to
See change for bullet point 3
✓ paragraphs focus on a single idea/bullet point / logical paragraph development

Vocabulary: 7

✓ appropriate word choices / control of word endings/forms
Errors and changes in green
Good language use, but not a lot of higher level vocabulary
✓ spelling is correct

Grammar: 8

✘✓ articles (a, an, the)
✓ sentence structures are correct
Isolated errors
Good control of grammar
✓ punctuation is correct

Overall: 7.5
A well-written informal letter, you are clearly familiar with the requirements, and cover them well. My only recommendation would be to improve the paragraph starts to show the main concept of the paragraph right at the beginning.

Source
IELTS 6to9

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