You have approximately 20 minutes to complete this task.  The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Answer Submitted:-

The line graph compares and contrasts the involvement in various activities at one social center in Melbourne, Australia in the years 2000 to 2020, for the period of 20-years.

Overall, film club was most popular over the given period. Additionally, participants of table tennis and musical performances consistently recorded higher, whereas members were less likely to play amateur dramatics.

To begin with, almost 95 percent of people took part in film club in 2000, and the ratio was stable till 2020 with minimal change, which was just 2 percent of raise. Similarly, martial arts followed the same trend with few fluctuations over the period and about 38 participants registered at the beginning and end of the given time frame.

In 2000, the number of musical performers was zero, however candidates started to choose it since 2005 and with continuous rise, got around 18 participants by surpassing the amateur dramatics in 2020. Additionally, table tennis craze increased dramatically within two decades, reaching nearly 65 from 18. However, in 2000, approximately 36 participants were enrolled for amateur dramatics and reached almost 30 before declining sharply, from 2006 downward started and reached below 5 in 2000.

Detailed Strengths and Weaknesses Analysis of Original Essay

1. Task Achievement (Band 6.5)

Strengths:

1. Overview of trends:
   • You correctly noted that the film club was the most popular activity over the period.
   • Example from essay: “Overall, film club was most popular over the given period.”
   • Why it helps: This satisfies the IELTS requirement to give a general trend in the overview paragraph.
2. Identification of increasing trends:
   • You mentioned that table tennis and musical performances consistently recorded higher participation.
   • Example from essay: “participants of table tennis and musical performances consistently recorded higher(though not clear)”
   • Why it helps: Shows that you noticed trends rather than just listing numbers.
3. Identification of decreasing trend:
   • You noted that amateur dramatics declined.
   • Example: “members were less likely to play amateur dramatics”
   • Why it helps: Correctly highlights the downward trend, which is important for overview coverage.

Weaknesses:

1. Imprecise data description:
   • Some figures are unclear or contradictory. Example: “from 2006 downward started and reached below 5 in 2000”
   • Problem: Timeline is impossible; the decline cannot start in 2006 and end in 2000. This creates confusion for the reader.
   • Impact: Reduces clarity and accuracy, which lowers Task Achievement.
2. Lack of exact comparisons:
   • Phrases like “recorded higher” do not specify higher than what or by how much. Example: “participants of table tennis and musical performances consistently recorded higher”
   • Improvement: Should explicitly compare numbers and/or percentages, e.g., Replaces vague “recorded higher” with “steadily increased”.
3. Word count and coverage:
   • Your essay is quite short (~150–160 words). For IELTS Task 1, 150 words is the minimum, but Band 7 writers typically use ~160–180 words
   • Example: You wrote “Similarly, martial arts followed the same trend with few fluctuations over the period and about 38 participants registered at the beginning and end of the given time frame.”
   • Problem: One sentence tries to cover too much; more sentences with gradual explanation (start-end comparison, minor fluctuations, year-specific numbers) would improve coverage and word count naturally.
4. Trend progression clarity:
   • Some sentences fail to clarify how the trend developed over time.
   • Example: “with continuous rise, got around 18 participants by surpassing the amateur dramatics in 2020”
   • Problem: Does not describe intermediate years (2005–2015) or the rate of growth, making trend understanding vague.
5. Incorrect or confusing prepositions/timing references:
   • Example: “from 2006 downward started and reached below 5 in 2000”
   • Problem: Shows misunderstanding of timeline structure. Should use “from 2006 onwards, falling to below 5 by 2020.”

2. Coherence and Cohesion (Band 7.0)

Strengths:

1. Logical paragraphing:
   • Essay begins with overview, then details, which is good practice.
   • Example: Paragraph 1: overview; Paragraph 2–3: description of trends.
2. Use of some linking words:
   • Words like “similarly”, “additionally”, “however” are present, which help connect ideas.
   • Example: “Similarly, martial arts followed the same trend…”

Weaknesses:

1. Repetition of linking words:
   • “Similarly” and “Additionally” are overused without variation.
   • Band 7 requires a variety of cohesive devices, e.g., “in contrast,” “while,” “whereas,” “meanwhile,” “by comparison.”
2. Sentence structure variety:
   • Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking complex structures.
   • Example: “Additionally, table tennis craze increased dramatically within two decades, reaching nearly 65 from 18.”
   • Improvement: Could be rephrased with a subordinate clause:
     “Table tennis, which had only 18 participants in 2000, increased dramatically over the next two decades, reaching nearly 65 by 2020.”
3. Grouping ideas logically:
   • Some paragraphs mix increasing and decreasing trends, which reduces clarity. Example: Musical performances (increase) and amateur dramatics (decrease) are discussed in one sentence without clear separation.
   • Improvement: Separate increasing trends and decreasing trends into distinct sentences/paragraphs.

3. Lexical Resource (Estimated Band 6.5)

Strengths:

1. Some formal vocabulary:
   • Words like “participants,” “dramatically,” “minimal change” are suitable for formal description.
2. Attempts at precision:
   • Example: “approximately 36 participants were enrolled” – shows effort to avoid vague terms.

Weaknesses:

1. Word choice errors:
   • “2 percent of raise” → incorrect; should be “2% increase or rise”.
   • “recorded higher(higher is comparative so you need higher than…..)” → vague; should use “experienced growth” or “increased from X to Y”.
2. Limited range of vocabulary:
   • Repetitions: “participants”, “increase”, “started” appear too often.
   • Band 7+ requires synonyms and variety:
     • “engagement,” “enrolment,” “membership”
     • “rose,” “grew,” “experienced an upward trend”
3. Collocation issues:
   • “candidates started to choose it” → unnatural collocation in formal writing.
   • Correct: “participants began engaging in…” or “participants opted for…”

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (Band 6.0)

Strengths:

1. Correct subject-verb agreement in most simple sentences.
   • Example: “almost 95 percent of people took part in film club in 2000.”
2. Attempts at complex structures:
   • Example: “with continuous rise, got around 18 participants by surpassing the amateur dramatics in 2020.” – shows attempt at cause-effect structure (though ungrammatical).

Weaknesses:

• Correction: “Numbers gradually increased, reaching around 18 by 2020, thereby surpassing amateur dramatics.”
• Tense inconsistencies Example: “from 2006 downward started and reached below 5 in 2000” – mix of past and impossible timeline.
• Incorrect article usage: Example: “participants of table tennis” → more natural: “participants in table tennis”.
• Misuse of prepositions: “for the period of 20-years” → should be “over 20 years period”.
• Awkward constructions / run-on sentences: Example: “and with continuous rise, got around 18 participants by surpassing the amateur dramatics in 2020.”

Band 7-Level Rewrite

Here’s a polished version of your essay suitable for Band 7+:

The line graph illustrates the participation in various activities at a social center in Melbourne, Australia, from 2000 to 2020.

Overall, the film club consistently attracted the highest number of participants throughout the period, whereas amateur dramatics remained the least popular. Participation in table tennis and musical performances showed a marked increase, while martial arts maintained relatively stable numbers.

In 2000, the film club was overwhelmingly popular, with approximately 95% of visitors taking part, and this figure remained almost constant over the next two decades, rising slightly to 97% by 2020. Martial arts followed a relatively steady trend, starting with around 38 participants and finishing at a similar level by the end of the period, experiencing only minor fluctuations.

Musical performances were initially unrecorded in 2000, but the activity began attracting participants from 2005 onwards. Numbers gradually increased, reaching around 18 by 2020, thereby surpassing amateur dramatics, which saw a continuous decline over the same period. Table tennis also gained popularity over the 20 years, increasing from 18 participants in 2000 to nearly 65 in 2020. In contrast, amateur dramatics started with roughly 36 participants but gradually fell, dropping sharply after 2006 and falling below 5 by the end of the period.

Detailed Explanation and Grammar Notes

Let’s break down the changes and highlight grammar corrections:

1. Title and Introduction

• Original: “The line graph compares and contrasts the involvement in various activities at one social center in Melbourne, Australia in the years 2000 to 2020, for the period of 20-years.”
• Issues:
  • “compares and contrasts” is slightly verbose(use it if map/s); “illustrates/depicts” is more formal and precise.
• Correction: “The line graph illustrates the participation in various activities at a social center in Melbourne, Australia, from 2000 to 2020.”
  • Grammar Note:
    • Use a comma before year phrases for clarity: “Australia, from 2000 to 2020.”

2. Overview Paragraph

• Original: “Overall, film club was most popular over the given period. Additionally, participants of table tennis and musical performances consistently recorded higher, whereas members were less likely to play amateur dramatics.”
• Issues:
  • “recorded higher” is vague – higher than what?
  • “members were less likely to play amateur dramatics” → awkward, could be more formal.
• Correction: “Overall, the film club consistently attracted the highest number of participants throughout the period, whereas amateur dramatics remained the least popular. Participation in table tennis and musical performances showed a marked increase, while martial arts maintained relatively stable numbers.”
  • Grammar Note:
    • “remained the least popular” uses the correct verb + superlative adjective.
    • “showed a marked increase” is formal and precise for trend description.

3. Data Description

Film Club

• Original: “almost 95 percent of people took part in film club in 2000, and the ratio was stable till 2020 with minimal change, which was just 2 percent of raise.”
• Issues:
  • “2 percent of raise” → should be “2% rise.”
• Correction: “In 2000, the film club was overwhelmingly popular, with approximately 95% of visitors taking part, and this figure remained almost constant over the next two decades, rising slightly to 97% by 2020.”
  • Grammar Note:
    • Percentages are usually followed by plural nouns only when you refer to individual items (“95% of participants”).
    • “rising slightly to 97%” – correct use of present participle to indicate change over time.

Martial Arts

• Original: “martial arts followed the same trend with few fluctuations over the period and about 38 participants registered at the beginning and end of the given time frame.”
• Issues:
  • “registered at the beginning and end” is wordy.
  • “few fluctuations” → should be “minor fluctuations.”
• Correction: “Martial arts followed a relatively steady trend, starting with around 38 participants and finishing at a similar level by the end of the period, experiencing only minor fluctuations.”
  • Grammar Note:
    • Use “starting with… and finishing at…” to show clear timeline.
    • “experiencing” is correct present participle for describing ongoing trend.

Musical Performances

• Original: “In 2000, the number of musical performers was zero, however candidates started to choose it since 2005 and with continuous rise, got around 18 participants by surpassing the amateur dramatics in 2020.”
• Issues:
  • “candidates started to choose it” → awkward; “participants began engaging” better.
  • “with continuous rise, got around 18 participants” → ungrammatical; needs subject + verb agreement.
  • “by surpassing the amateur dramatics in 2020” → grammatically okay but could be smoother.
• Correction: “Musical performances were initially unrecorded in 2000, but the activity began attracting participants from 2005 onwards. Numbers gradually increased, reaching around 18 by 2020, thereby surpassing amateur dramatics.”
  • Grammar Note:
    • “began attracting participants” – correct verb + object structure.
    • “thereby surpassing” – formal linking adverb for cause-effect.

Table Tennis

• Original: “table tennis craze increased dramatically within two decades, reaching nearly 65 from 18.”
• Issues:
  • “reaching nearly 65 from 18” → slightly abrupt; better to specify units (participants).
• Better: “Table tennis also gained popularity over the 20 years, increasing from 18 participants in 2000 to nearly 65 in 2020.”
  • Grammar Note:
    • Use past tense “increased” or past perfect if referring to past trend; “also gained popularity” smooths sentence.
    • Specify numerical progression clearly: “from X to Y.”

Amateur Dramatics

• Original: “in 2000, approximately 36 participants were enrolled for amateur dramatics and reached almost 30 before declining sharply, from 2006 downward started and reached below 5 in 2000.”
• Issues:
  • Timeline confused (“declining from 2006… reached below 5 in 2000” – impossible).
  • Awkward phrasing: “from 2006 downward started.”
• Correction: “In contrast, amateur dramatics started with roughly 36 participants but gradually fell, dropping sharply after 2006 and falling below 5 by the end of the period.”
  • Grammar Note:
    • Correct use of “dropping sharply after 2006” to indicate the point of decline.
    • “by the end of the period” – correct time reference.

Key Takeaways for Band 7 Writing

1. Task Achievement:
   • Always include an overview paragraph with general trends.
   • Describe comparisons and contrasts precisely.
   • Avoid misrepresenting data or timelines.
2. Coherence & Cohesion:
   • Use linking phrases like “in contrast,” “meanwhile,” “thereby” for smooth connections.
   • Group activities logically (increasing vs. decreasing trends).
3. Lexical Resource:
   • Avoid repetition (“increase” / “rise” / “gain popularity”).
   • Use precise formal terms: “participants,” “proportion,” “engagement,” “marked increase.”
4. Grammar:
   • Keep tenses consistent (past for historical data, present perfect for trends if relevant).
   • Correct subject-verb agreement, especially with percentages and collective nouns.
   • Use correct prepositions with time (“from 2000 to 2020,” “by the end of the period”).
5. Numbers & Data:
   • Always clarify units (participants, %).
   • Specify starting and ending points clearly.
   • Avoid contradictory or impossible timelines.